May Owlcrate

Hello, ’tis me! After a stupidly long hiatus, I’m back with a vengeance. Watch my video below, I reviewed my May Owlcrate for all my little nerds out there.


If you want to sign up for your own Owlcrate box, click here! DO IT


I’m going to start updating on a more regular basis again. I love yous. Subscribe, otay?

xoxo ♥ G

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These Three Strong Literary Women Will Kick. Your. Ass.

It’s International Women’s Day, which is just the excuse I’ve been looking for to fangirl the fuck out of some of my favorite female literary characters. As a child, kids used to bully me because I wore dresses my mom used to buy from garage sales. They literally called me Garage-Sale Gretchen. Obviously I was ahead of the curve (I’m talking to you, thrifters). Now, don’t get me wrong. 26 year-old Gretchen is overly grateful for being put through that torment when I was younger. I firmly believe I am the badass woman I am today because I learned to value myself and say “fuck you” to anyone who thinks I’m anything less than amazing. But 8 year-old Gretchen… she had a rough time. I would sit in my room for hours everyday, consumed by book after book. It was these three fearless women that gave me strength to ignore the haters and boldly wave my middle finger straight up in their faces.



  1. Motherheckin’ Matilda.

Let me premise this by saying I actually thought I was Matilda when I was younger. The amount of hours spent staring at inanimate objects trying to move them with my mind is nothing short of embarrassing. I wanted goddamn telekinesis. I still want goddamn telekinesis and you’re lying if you say you don’t. But that’s besides the point. Matilda escaped from the bullies of her world, albeit her family, by keeping her nose stuck between the pages of books and exploring imaginary, far-off lands on the reg. Girl was on to something, I’m telling you.



2. Charlotte, Charlotte’s Web

Bet you didn’t see this one coming. Honey, you bet your ass I looked up to a spider growing up, and for good reason. Charlotte taught me the importance of encouraging your peers and being there for one another regardless of the circumstance. Wilbur wasn’t shit without that damn spider saving his curly-tailed ass from arriving on the farmer’s plate as a steaming pile of bacon. Women: saving men even in arachnid form. God damn.



3. Luna Lovegood

While I love me some Hermione Granger, Lovegood is what’s up. Luna’s relentless optimism is inspiring beyond words. She watched her mother die when she was nine years old and remembers the entire thing. That alone should be enough to create the world’s largest cynic, yet she remained fearless and hopeful throughout the entirety of the Harry Potter series. People mocked her for her outfits and her spunky sense of style (HELLO, GARAGE-SALE GRETCHEN). She didn’t give a fuck if people stared and laughed at her because she was too busy doing her own thing. In the face of adversity one of the hardest things to do is remain true to yourself, and she did it without a second thought. She was one of the driving forces behind Dumbledore’s Army and if she didn’t stand her ground in the face of fear, Voldemort may have never been defeated. Side note, Luna is a huge contender for my future child’s name because I want a Luna Lovegood of my own to snuggle and high-five forever.


And there you have it, folks. My list of women who kept me sane while everyone else was being gigantic dickheads. In your faces, because I’m goddamn spectacular. Never forget it.

A very happy International Women’s Day to men and women alike. Go hug your mothers. “Here’s to strong women. May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them.”


Subscribe, lover babydolls. xo ♥ G


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Captive by A.J. Grainger


Something about Stockholm Syndrome really jazzes my beebo, youknowwhatimsayin’? No? What? Why are you looking at me like that? I promise I’m not a psychopath, but reading books about kidnappings where the victim falls in love with their captor is one of my all-time favorite subjects in the galaxy. Okay, so maybe I’m slightly psychotic, but the topic is miraculously captivating. My favorite book I’ve ever read is The Good Girl by Mary Kubica; if you haven’t read it yet, pull up Amazon right now and fucking buy it. So when I was at work the other day and my coworker busted me googling “best reads on Stockholm Syndrome”, two things happened. 1) I’m certain she now thinks I have someone chained up in my crawlspace and 2) Captive by A.J. Grainger popped up on my browser.

Grainger slays. She took my love of prisoners held in captivity who find “love” and multiplied it by one thousand (again, it’s becoming more and more apparent that I may have psychological issues). IT’S FINE. Captive follows Robyn, the daughter of the fictional Prime Minister of Britain, as she is kidnapped and held for ransom by a group of animal rights activists. This book has been glued to my eyeballs for the past two days; I officially deem it impossible to put down.  Robyn ends up falling for one of her kidnappers, and I did too, so who am I to judge her life? You do you, boo-boo.

Also, I would like to point out that I would struggle not falling for my animal-rights-activist-kidnapper. Yeah, he might have taken me against my will, but ANIMALS!  I feel worse for homeless animals than I do homeless people, 100% of the time. And animal testing can kiss my non-existent white ass. Give me all the bunnies, the monkeys, the mice and the rats. I will house them all in my 1,000 square-foot house and we’ll live happily ever after, the end.

Captive held my undying attention from start to finish and I couldn’t recommend it more without screaming the words directly into your eardrums, straight into your cerebellums. It’s a quick and easy read, and I cried when I finished it like the emotionally unstable child I am.

Wanna buy Captive by A.J. Grainger? Click here and embrace the cute little psychopath inside of you.

Subscribe, lover babydolls. xo ♥ G



Me, a psychopath, swearing I’m not a psychopath.

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How to Murder Your Life by Cat Marnell


Lend me your ears, young scribes, and let me take you on a methamphetamine-fueled escapade guaranteed to have your jaws a-droppin’. This fucking book. I stumbled across this whirlwind of a memoir during one of my weekly Amazon book-buying binges. The second I picked it up I was kidnapped; it roped me in and physically assaulted my eyeballs in the best possible way. Cat Marnell, if you’re reading this, thank you. Thank you so fucking much. And I mean that from the bottom of my cold, sarcastic heart.

Cat Marnell is the first to admit she leads a privileged life. She’s well aware of the fact she was handed more opportunities within her first few years on earth than most people receive in their entire existence. Her parents were loaded, money literally flying out of their assholes. She attended the best schools and received anything she ever wished for. But that didn’t stop her from fucking everything up, both intentionally and accidentally. When she was away at a prestigious boarding school, her friend offered her adderall in order to keep up with her schoolwork. One pill and she was hooked. Conveniently, Cat’s father was a psychiatrist and was more than willing to give her her own prescription if it meant she would stay on the honor roll. Pill after pill, paper after paper, Cat was a brand new person with an entire new lease on life. As long as she had her medication, she could conquer the world. Her dream was to one day become a beauty editor at a magazine company, and with those pills in her pocket she knew she could make her dreams come true.

Flash forward a decade. Cat Marnell is the beauty editor at Lucky Magazine. Surrounded by celebrities and getting paid thousands of dollars a month, she had finally accomplished her lifelong goal. However, she was now “shopping” for doctors daily, with about 20 different ‘scrips a month to keep up with her pill-popping habit. Then came cocaine. Then came meth. Then came PCP. Then came heroin. And she pulled it off without anyone knowing for years, until it one day it all came crashing down around her.

That’s the jist of the story without giving too much away. This book is so much more than just some memoir of an addict. This book is so much more than that. I’m not sure if it’s because Cat is so young and was so brutally honest about the things she did and the horrific things she’s experienced, or if it’s because she has yet to beat her addiction. It’s just… it’s so refreshing to hear somebody talk so brutally honest about the life of an addict and how damn near impossible it is to beat, no matter how hard they try. ALSO, it was nice to read about a young woman and her insane addiction to adderall because I would eat those suckers like candy if my body wasn’t riddled with anxiety afterwards.

Side note, Cat also gave me hope that one day I’ll be able to finish my book. Not that I don’t think I’m capable of doing so, but because the amount of curse words scattered throughout her novel was fire. And when a fellow sailor-mouthed woman stumbles across one of her own, it gives you that extra kick in the ass you’ve been looking for.

Buy this book. clicky clicky.


Subscribe, jabronies! xoxo ♥ G

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Rad Women Worldwide by Kate Schatz


I was going to post a review about this book the day after the women’s march, but after seeing some of the ignorant, down-right sexist comments on social media I decided it was best to shut down the engines and cool off for a bit before I verbally destroyed half of the internet. I LOVE ME SOME GODDAMN LADIES. Seriously. There is absolutely nothing I love more in this godforsaken world than reading stories about women who shattered the goddamn glass ceiling and left men shaking in their wake. Nothing inspires me more. Nothing gives me more goosebumps. Nothing makes me want to start an all-women regime dedicated to helping other women stand up for themselves and break the proverbial mold. So when I received this book in the mail, you best believe I damn near shat myself.

Rad Women Worldwide by Kate Schatz (illustrated by Miriam Klein Stahl) is a book that will be placed permanently on my coffee table, the subject of countless drunken conversations to come. Shatz chose a woman from every continent on earth and told their story, including the battles they went through and the barriers they broke. It woke up some long-dead part of my soul and inspired me to go out there and kick more ass than I already do. Shatz focuses on well-known women, such as Serena and Venus Williams, and Frida Kahlo (I’m convinced I’m her literal reincarnation) as well as tons of other women who’s stories I never knew before. I want to invite all of them over, both dead and alive, and pick their brains one by one. And then hug the living shit out of them because DAMN.

Lend me your ears, ’cause I’m about to teach you a lil’ somethin’ somethin’. Kasha Jacqueline Nagabasera. Born in 1980. Kampala, Uganda. Homosexuality is still illegal in Uganda, as well as 38 other idiot countries. When Kasha was a little girl, she was forced to leave her grade school because she wore boy’s clothes and that meant she was obviously a lesbian (I wear boy’s clothes all the time and I love me a man, but you know, whatevs). This kind of discrimination continued through out her entire childhood. Kasha was beaten, bullied, and continuously expelled because of her sexual orientation. Now, if you’re anything like me, you’re shaking uncontrollably and googling ways to fuck up Uganda’s homosexuality regulations, but slow your roll. It was these instances that helped shape Kasha into the kick-ass warrior she is today.

Now known as the “Mother of the Gay Rights Movement” in Uganda, Kasha began speaking out about homophobia in college. When she was 23 fucking years old, she founded Freedom and Roam Uganda (FARUG), one of Uganda’s main LGBTI organizations. You know what I was doing when I was 23? Smoking weed, contemplating becoming a yoga instructor while my daddy paid my credit card bill. Definitely not creating organizations to help save the lives of hundreds of thousands of people. But I digress.

In 2009, the Ugandan government proposed a law which enabled people to attack others under the suspicion of being gay. At this point, being gay was punishable by death in some circumstances. Fucking 2009. Because of this disgusting law, violent homophobic attacks increased tenfold. Popular newspapers wrote articles and posted pictures of people who were suspected of being gay. Some real Nazi Germany type shit. One day, Kasha was reading the paper and stumbled across her worst nightmare: pictures of both her and her friends, all taken without permission, posted right before her eyes. Kasha, being the badass woman she is, fought back. Her and her group of friends sued the newspaper and won. In a country where homosexuality was so highly condemned at all levels of the government, this was a huge victory for Kasha. Instead of just letting her have this one victory, life came back and spit in her fucking face. Soon after their victory, Kasha’s good friend and fellow activist, David Kato, was murdered.

Most people would give up after such a horrific tragedy. I’m disgustingly stubborn and stupidly strong-willed, but if my close friend was murdered over a cause we were constantly fighting for, it would be hard for me to continue the battle. But no, not Kasha Jacqueline. She knew that by forging on she would be risking her own life. And to her it was more than worth it. She continued working with FARUG. She fucking founded Bombastic, an online LGBTI magazine which ended up being downloaded over two million fucking times in just one year. She continues to testify before the United Nations, appears on both TV and radio, and refuses to stop protesting and challenging unjust Ugandan laws.

She’s been harassed. She’s been arrested. She’s been attacked. She has to continuously move from house to house, forced to live in secret with friends and her supporters in order to keep up the fight and stay alive in the process. Kasha Jacqueline is one of the last LGBTI activists residing in Uganda, because unfortunately most of the others have been brutally murdered or forced to flee their own country. She could leave; she could find asylum somewhere where she will be loved and accepted. You want to know what she said when that point was brought to her attention? “If we give up now, what will happen to the future?” Be still my fucking heart.

She has since won numerous human rights awards, and in 2015 her picture was featured on the cover of Time magazine’s European edition. She traveled to the United States and was made the grand marshal of the world’s biggest gay pride parade, which means my brother was within the same mile radius as her and the envy is unreal. And while she enjoyed celebrating the love and acceptance shown in our country to our gay counterparts, all she wants in this world is to bring that same freedom to her own country. When asked about the current situation in Uganda, her response floored me, and I am virtually un-floorable. “I’m full of rage, but I won’t get a gun and fight. I’ll use my words to break down the system of oppression.” Kasha Jacqueline Nagabasera, words cannot describe the level of respect I have for you and your fight.

When people sit there and bitch about protesters and people fighting for a change, she is who I now think of. If you believe in something strongly enough, there is zero fucking reason you should be belittled for putting up a fight. Don’t tell people to “get a job” because they attend protests. Don’t refer to them as criminals. Because the truth is, yes, there are people out there who only want to cause harm and loot businesses, but there are people out there like Kasha who want, need, and will make a difference. Do not delegitimize the efforts of a group of people simply because you are not directly affected or don’t understand. Because when something bad happens to you, or you’re not treated fairly, we are the people who will understand and help you. We will have your back and fight for you entirely.

And lastly, if you are a woman who belittled the millions of women who marched and continuously strive for gender equality, do me a favor and get off the internet. Shut down your goddamn computer and shove your foot in your mouth. Women marched so you could have the right to hide behind your keyboard and type out your bullshit opinion as to why you think the march is irrelevant and a waste of time. Women marched for your right to share your opinion, and you’re embarrassing yourself. And men who still think we’re below you, bend over. ‘Cause we’re coming for you and you can’t hold us back any longer.

Well! I went a little crazy there but damn, that felt good. Kasha Jacqueline Nagabasera’s story is only one of the 40 lives touched upon in this book. After reading my rant, you can tell this book is worthy of both your time and money. Buy it, and join me in my passionate endeavor of reading about these worthy as fuck women.

Buy it here. Once you read it, let me know some of your favorites 🙂

That’s all! ♥G



I received this book for free from Blogging for Books in exchange for my honest review.

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