Six of Crow Series by Leigh Bardugo

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Life Update:

  1. I got married in October, and spent the majority of 2018 planning that gigantic, drunken fiesta. So I was a little MIA, considering I DIY-ed basically the entire goddamn thing (it was 100% worth it).
  2. There’s a baby in me and it’s due May 12th, which just so happens to be Mother’s Day. For someone with a ridiculously foul mouth and subpar attitude, my life is turning into an incredibly ironic Disney movie, and I’m here for it.

This means one of two things: First, I’ll be reading a shit ton more, that is until I release this child from my womb. I’m incredibly bored already and I still have 4 months to cook this baby. Second of all, although it might be difficult to post as frequently as I’d like to once the baby arrives, I’m thinking about expanding into children’s book reviews as well. Because you damn well know this baby is going to be read to daily, and why not entertain myself and others with vulgar book reviews of the Cat and the Hat? I see no negative repercussions of this. Not a one.

OKAY SO NOW THE IMPORTANT STUFF. I’ve been putting off reading the Six of Crows series since September 29, 2015, to be exact. That was the day Leigh Bardugo blessed the bookworm community with the ingenuity that is Six of Crows and the world physically imploded. However, because of this weird little brain stored inside my head, I refuse to read any book series until all of the books are published. Six of Crows was only one book of a two-part series, and there was no way I was going to put myself through years of torture, pacing a hole in the floor of my newly-finished living room until the sequel was finally released. Not gonna happen, mah boy. And while Leigh Bardugo announced there would eventually be a third installment, it’s set to take place years after the second book. AKA, I truly don’t care about it. I like immediate gratification. Don’t send me decades down the road, I’ll simply refuse to follow.

I started 2019 off the right way: with libro numero uno of the series on my lap and a full plate of lasagna resting atop my ever-growing belly. What an excellent decision this turned out to be. I flew through Six of Crows in a matter of days, cursing myself for not starting it years prior. Here’s a quick synopsis (no spoilers, I’m not rude):

Six of Crows follows a young man by the name of Kaz Brekker, an upcoming member of a gang of incredibly skilled misfits called the Dregs. The story starts when Kaz is offered the incredibly lucrative yet practically impossible job of breaking into an impenetrable prison complex in Fjerda. Here we fucking GO, PEOPLE.

Shit gets real, folks. The most accurate way I’ve described this book is as follows: imagine the pick-pocketing orphans from Oliver Twist attempting to pull off an elaborate, Ocean’s Eleven-type heist. What I mean is that it’s exciting as fuck. Currently, I’m about halfway through the second book and my feelings towards the series have generally stayed the same. And to put a cherry on top of this goddamn literary sundae, Netflix just announced a new TV series based on both books. It turns out I waited just the exact right amount of time to start these bad boys, either that, or Netflix is tapped into my google search history (I recently spent a full three hours burrowing deep amidst the dark web, scouring for articles hinting at a Six of Crows movie, so I’m not fully disregarding the latter).

All in all, I’m glad I finally gave in and read this series. Usually when people are super hyped about certain books, I find myself let down and disappointed. That didn’t happen with Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom. Click here and here to buy these gems and read them before Netflix releases the show. That way you can sound super smart and tastefully cultured when you tell all your friends the books were better (they always are).

peace & love, homies.

♥G (& the little peanut I’m growing)

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inward by yung pueblo

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aloha, amigos!

I’ve been slaving away creating wedding crafts (countdown: t-minus 44 days, sos) so I haven’t been able to get 3% of the reading done that I would have usually. Seriously tho. Last year, I read 59 books or some shit. This year, EIGHT. Call the police, lock me up, throw me in the loony bin. This is a goddamn SIN, I TELL YOU. However, I’ve been trying to squeeze in some time in between pulling my hair out over wedding garbage to try and read as much as humanly possible. If I could read while I was sleeping, this wouldn’t be a motherhecking issue. Anyways, I scored a free copy of “inward” by yung pueblo, and I’m here to let ya’ll know about how amazing it is. Fasten your seat belts, ladies!

“inward” is an anthology of poems written by yung pueblo, and I love the shit out of it/him. If you’re a fan of rupi kaur, stop what you’re doing and put this book on your amazon wish list. The official copy won’t be released until September 25, 2018 (I’m special) but the second this baby hits the shelves, it’s going to sell out. Mark my words. Here’s my ultimate favorite poem penned by pueblo in this collection:

 

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Like, okay, pueblo, we get it. You’re a genius and I love you and I want to crawl inside of your brain for a day and just chill in there for a bit. You know, cuddle with your cerebellum or some shit. I love you, did I say that already? Listen to pueblo: heal yourselves, people! At least give it a shot! The universe is watching.

Set an alarm on your phones right now. Do it, I’m waiting. Because the second the hand strikes midnight on September 25, hop onto ol’ amazon and pick up “inward” before the rest of the world does. And once you’re finished, come back here and let’s chat!

Subscribe, nerds.

♥ G

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Bad Girls with Perfect Faces by Lynn Weingarten

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If you’re stuck in a book rut like I was, I’m going to need you to immediately stop what you’re doing and listen the heck up, son, ’cause you’re about to sprint to your nearest Target to scoop this bad boy, do you understand? my LAWDY-LAWD, Lynn Weingarten is a creepy little angel baby and I wanna take an ol’ look-see inside dat braaiinnn, ya dig? Not only did she write this mindblowing little gem, but she’s also the author of one of my top reads of 2016, Suicide Notes from Beautiful Girls (see my review here). She’s back with a vengeance and besides this fantastic cover art, this story is going to rock your socks off, and then on, and then back off again once more. Buckle your seatbelts, ladies and gents!

This was my first book purchase of 2016, and because I was wasting my fucking TIME reading the Red Crown series I never had a chance to start it. I immediately sent a picture of the book to my fellow Lynn Weingarten loverbabies and had yet to hear anything back about it. That is, until I received this message:

Katie

she meant girls* not good but shut up, she was violently excited about this goddamn book.

That was the precise moment I knew I was royally fucking my shit up by continuing to force-read another bullshit dystopian series. I immediately stopped Red Crown and scrambled into the next room to my library, desperately searching through piles of books for Weingarten’s newest gem. and HONEYS, KATIE WAS RIGHT. I shit you not, I started that book at 10:00 PM, went to bed, woke up before work to read some more, and finished it during an “extended” lunch break. And by extended, I mean I refused to do any more work until I finished the goddamn book. Work can eat a dick. I read this baby in 16 hours, and that’s including 8 hours of sleep and half a work day. I. could. not. stop. Here’s a little synopsis for you, boo boos:

When Sasha’s best friend, Xavier, gets back together with his cheating ex, Ivy, Sasha knows she needs to protect him. So she poses as a guy online to lure Ivy away.

But Sasha’s plan goes sickeningly wrong. And she soons learns to be careful of who you pretend to be or you might be suprised by who you become…

Told in multiple points of view, Bad Girls with Perfect Faces is sexy and twisted, with shocks at every turn.

I haven’t experienced a book like this in a damn long time. You know the kind: you physically cannot do anything productive unless it involves your eyeballs on the pages of the novel. Lynn Weingarten, the inside of your mind is a beautifully terrifying place. I will read every single book you put out into the universe and spend days obsessing over each one with my friends.

To buy the book on amazon, click here. If you’re currently halfway out the door on your way to grab a copy ASAP, I got mine at Target so head straight there, onward you go! And when you’re finished, come back here and let’s chat the fuck UP about it cause MY MIND IS STILL BLOWN AND IT’S BEEN TWO WEEKS.

Subscribe, my lovely nerds!

♥ G

 

 

Don’t forget to check out my Etsy shop! I might just be one girl, but I’m repurposing spineless, destroyed books one copy at a time. #shopsmall

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visit my shop! buy some shit.

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Red Queen Series by Victoria Aveyard

Oy vey, where to fucking begin. I waited to read this series for several reasons, the main one being that the fourth book doesn’t come out until May 15th of this year. I heard this series was shit-your-pants amazing and patience is no friend of mine, so I knew I had to shelf the whole series until the last book release was closer. Fuck me running. I started the first book (Red Queen) at the end of December. It’s now March, and I’m halfway finished with the third book (King’s Cage). There’s a reason I don’t trust any human’s opinion on anything, and this is a PRIME EXAMPLE WHY.

The idea behind this series is dope as heck, but ya’ll got this girl’s hopes up. People were puking its brilliance all over the darkest corners of the interwebs when in reality, it’s just… a decent series. GASP. That’s right, I said it. This is also coming from a girl who has reread Harry Potter 97 times and has permanently deemed it untouchable, so take that for what it’s worth.

Quick little run down of the series. It’s the fUuUuUture, and there are two main income levels/social statuses. The poor people (they have red blood, boo) and the richy-rich (they got that silver blood, that good shit). The Silvers have magical abilities, like telekinesis and fire/water/element manipulation. The Reds are the worker ants of society and get shit on constantly. They’re normal people who barely survive a day at a time. Enter Mare Barrow. She’s a Red, she has red blood, but alas, this crazy bitch can manipulate electricity better than a toaster in a bathtub. People find out, shit gets weird, and that’s where I’m at currently.

Like I said before, the premise of this book is fantastic. Victoria Aveyard has a spectacularly creative mind and I would pay big bucks to bounce ideas back and forth with her. My issue was that I had so many people hyping this book up for Y E A R S that by the time I started it, I was expecting another earthshattering, magical series like my boy Potter. Not gonna happen. This is my own fault, I knew this was going to happen, why am I like this.

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I would still give it a shot, but go into it without gargantuan expectations like I did. Everything is so much more enjoyable when you’re not expecting anything life-changing, you know? Buy the first book here, or go balls deep and buy the first two books here.

*Editors Note: there are four books in this series. I’m not including the two novellas written as well because novellas are garbage and can only dream of being big girl books one day like their adult counterparts.

Read the series? I’d love to hear your opinion of it. Yell at me a bit, slap me around some. It’s fun for me.

See ya, homies! ♥ G

 

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visit my shop! buy some shit.

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Awww shit, it’s life update time.

I’VE GOT SOME BIG COOL NEATO NEWS! But first things first. If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that you all must have thought I finally bit the big one. Sleeping with the fishes. Dead. Finito. Considering my last review was in August and I proceeded to ghost you immediately afterward, it’s 100% understandable. But jokes on you fellahs cause I’m alive and honestly, just chronically lazy.

Since August, I’ve spent a lot of my limited free time planning my wedding. And since I’m a vicious control freak and refuse to ask a single living soul for assistance, I haven’t had as much time as usual to write reviews. Wahhh. This brings me to the main reason behind this update.

Just over six months ago I wrote an article for Buzzfeed detailing the reasons why wedding planning is total bullshit. Fuck ya chair covers, Cynthia the wedding planner, they’re garbage and I hate them. One of my main examples of the bullshit-ery that is wedding planning was the cost of wedding flowers. Oh, I’m sorry, you want me to spend $2000 on goddamn plants just so when you’re wasted at my reception you can feel like your inside, what, a greenhouse? Why? I need to know why. I might as well use my money as kindling for a hobo barrel fire in the parking lot of my local Phillip’s Flower Shop. Sorry, Bridezillas: this girl has a gambling addiction she needs to fund. After spending an ungodly amount of time on Pinterest, the cute little lightbulb in my head went off. What if I made my own flowers out of recycled book pages? I obviously love books, and hot glue guns are dope. And that’s how this fun little endeavor of mine came to fruition.

After I made a hefty batch of flowers, I brought them to the attention of my fiance. I’m positive he thought I was lying when I said I made them, so that was a super neato feeling YA KNOW?! This completely inflated my ego and led me to several shops selling flowers of a similar sort to the public. My fiance, the Canadian capitalist, encouraged me to open a shop of my own. And that’s exactly what I did.

I’m thoroughly excited to announce the opening of my literary-themed floral marketplace, lovetextmagic. I’m offering a variety of different styles and pieces, from singular blossoms to kick-ass centerpieces. Any and every color is available, and I will be taking bulk orders for people like me, the brides and grooms who cannot and will not ever justify spending thousands of dollars on fucking flowers. Ch-ch-check it out! ‘Cause if you don’t, this is going to get suuuper awkward. And if you choose to support a local starving artist by making a purchase, use the promo code FEB18 to save 10% on any order over $25.

Feel free to email with any inquiries. You want flowers made out of the entire Game of Thrones series? I gotchu. Flowers made out of comic books? Hell yeah, let’s do it. You want every single color of the goddamn ROY G. BIV rainbow? I hear you, and I see you, and I love your beautiful little mind, you creative masterpiece of a human.

Don’t panic- I’m still going to be writing book reviews. I’ll be reviewing the Red Queen series sometime in the very near future, mainly because I’ve got some strong words for you people who COMPLETELY overhyped it for me and let ya girl down hard as hell. So rude. How dare you.

Stay tuned! And in the meantime, check out my shop mmkay! Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, might I suggest printing out some pictures and casually leaving them around the house in eyesight of your significant other? Subliminal messaging is real and you best use it to your advantage.

I love you all. Kissy kissy.

♥G

 

 

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