I’VE GOT SOME BIG COOL NEATO NEWS! But first things first. If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that you all must have thought I finally bit the big one. Sleeping with the fishes. Dead. Finito. Considering my last review was in August and I proceeded to ghost you immediately afterward, it’s 100% understandable. But jokes on you fellahs cause I’m alive and honestly, just chronically lazy.
Since August, I’ve spent a lot of my limited free time planning my wedding. And since I’m a vicious control freak and refuse to ask a single living soul for assistance, I haven’t had as much time as usual to write reviews. Wahhh. This brings me to the main reason behind this update.
Just over six months ago I wrote an article for Buzzfeed detailing the reasons why wedding planning is total bullshit. Fuck ya chair covers, Cynthia the wedding planner, they’re garbage and I hate them. One of my main examples of the bullshit-ery that is wedding planning was the cost of wedding flowers. Oh, I’m sorry, you want me to spend $2000 on goddamn plants just so when you’re wasted at my reception you can feel like your inside, what, a greenhouse? Why? I need to know why. I might as well use my money as kindling for a hobo barrel fire in the parking lot of my local Phillip’s Flower Shop. Sorry, Bridezillas: this girl has a gambling addiction she needs to fund. After spending an ungodly amount of time on Pinterest, the cute little lightbulb in my head went off. What if I made my own flowers out of recycled book pages? I obviously love books, and hot glue guns are dope. And that’s how this fun little endeavor of mine came to fruition.
After I made a hefty batch of flowers, I brought them to the attention of my fiance. I’m positive he thought I was lying when I said I made them, so that was a super neato feeling YA KNOW?! This completely inflated my ego and led me to several shops selling flowers of a similar sort to the public. My fiance, the Canadian capitalist, encouraged me to open a shop of my own. And that’s exactly what I did.
I’m thoroughly excited to announce the opening of my literary-themed floral marketplace, lovetextmagic. I’m offering a variety of different styles and pieces, from singular blossoms to kick-ass centerpieces. Any and every color is available, and I will be taking bulk orders for people like me, the brides and grooms who cannot and will not ever justify spending thousands of dollars on fucking flowers. Ch-ch-check it out! ‘Cause if you don’t, this is going to get suuuper awkward. And if you choose to support a local starving artist by making a purchase, use the promo code FEB18 to save 10% on any order over $25.
Feel free to email with any inquiries. You want flowers made out of the entire Game of Thrones series? I gotchu. Flowers made out of comic books? Hell yeah, let’s do it. You want every single color of the goddamn ROY G. BIV rainbow? I hear you, and I see you, and I love your beautiful little mind, you creative masterpiece of a human.
Don’t panic- I’m still going to be writing book reviews. I’ll be reviewing the Red Queen series sometime in the very near future, mainly because I’ve got some strong words for you people who COMPLETELY overhyped it for me and let ya girl down hard as hell. So rude. How dare you.
Stay tuned! And in the meantime, check out my shop mmkay! Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, might I suggest printing out some pictures and casually leaving them around the house in eyesight of your significant other? Subliminal messaging is real and you best use it to your advantage.
I love you all. Kissy kissy.